Driving Miss Hannah: What A Dad Learned From A Three Year Old Backseat Driver, part three

The first post in this series is found here
The second post in this series is found here

This series began as recent Instagram and Facebook posts where I have posted photos of me and Hannah on our way to various places in our car. With each photo, I wrote a small blurb explaining what was happening in each photo. The running theme of most of these posts was how at three years old, Hannah was becoming a backseat driver. It didn't take long for me to discover that if I really looked, there were lessons as a dad that I could learn from these experiences. We are reviewing each of these posts, four at a time, with the original photo and blurb, plus a bit more detail about the photo and what I learned from the experience. Please feel free to share any lessons I may have missed on Instagram, Facebook or in the comments section here.

Disclaimer 1: None of the photos used here were taken while the car we are in was in motion. Each photo shown was taken while the car was parked. I love Hannah too much to risk her safety for the sake of a picture. If you or someone you know takes selfies or texts while driving, please reconsider just for the simple fact that life is too short. If that doesn’t convince you then think how there are already enough bad drivers on the road and being out there distracted just adds to that number. And if that doesn’t convince you then let me be blunt: I don’t want you distracted if you are driving in my direction.

Disclaimer 2: I do not claim to be a model father. The lessons I present here as learned are from my perspective.

Backseat driver entry number 9:
It seems we are in our car a lot and it also seems we travel the same roads over and over. This is why it is nice when the routine is broken up by the radio or a CD or music from your phone or some other device. Sometimes, Hannah sings her own songs. A medley of “Old McDonald, “”Hip-Hip-Hip-Hip-A-Pot-A-Mus” and “It’s Raining, It’s Pouring, The Old Man Is Snoring” seem to be her favorites lately. Sometimes though I hear “Daddy, I want my mus-kick” and I then automatically switch to the CD player and turn up her CD of children’s songs--with exactly 32 children’s songs—a CD that has played over and over and over in our car for the past two years. Song 17 is my favorite. Let’s all sing, “Father Abraham had many sons…”

Story behind the photo: This girl loves her music. Sometimes she sings along with a loud voice. Other times she sings along almost in a whisper. It has never mattered if she has had a pacifier in her mouth or sometimes even food or a cup of juice. She doesn’t always remember all the words or the right order of words or verses and sometimes two or three songs become one gigantic song. Any time she sings though, I love to hear her voice because I know when she sings she is happy.

Lesson I learned: I don’t need to downplay the importance of these songs in her life even though I often feel like I could ram a railroad spike through my head if I hear “She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round The Mountain When She Comes” one more time. These things are important to her now. One day Hannah will very likely tell someone of her memories singing these songs. This may even become one of her earliest memories. She may even teach these same songs to her own children and grandchildren one day and if she does maybe she will smile when she remembers singing them while on a ride with me somewhere. I should also understand that soon enough I am sure her love of music will turn from these basic songs to something much more offensive and way too adult for most adults, much less young children, at which time I will long to hear her be singing along to “Mary Had A Little Lamb”.

Backseat driver entry 10:
Rode a well-worn path today. Routine is good some days, calming, reassuring, comforting. Pretty smooth ride, too. Hannah seemed fairly content and didn’t even flinch when I made a right on red. As we neared our destination though from the back seat I heard…
Hannah: “Daddy, let’s go that way.”
Me: “No, Hannah, we’ve got to go this way.”
Hannah: “That way!”
Me: “This way!”
All part of the routine...

Story behind the photo: This is a conversation Hannah and I have had many times in our car. She wants to go one way and I need us to go another way. Sometimes when making this argument Hannah can become fairly animated while sitting in her seat. Here you will note she is pointing in one direction while I am pointing in another and although we posed for this particular photo, the pointing of fingers when it comes to the direction we need to go has happened on more than one occasion.

Lesson I learned: I am not against going down a road less traveled. I like to take short cuts on trips when I know about them and when time will allow. Sometimes though, the routine does call for the same way to be taken. Sometimes it is just the best way to go. I hope Hannah understands there is a time for being adventurous but there is also a time when the tried and true way just simply is the best. I also hope I understand this as her father and have enough confidence to follow through. Sometimes I will probably have to convince her that the direction, in a car or otherwise, we are going toward is the way we need to go because, well, as her Dad, sometimes, through my own knowledge or through my own experience, I do know better.

Backseat driver entry number 11:

Driving anywhere anymore can be a real task just from the volume of traffic. Throw in an inquisitive three year old in the backseat who asks question after question quicker than I can respond and you have what some days are like in the silver CRV.

Hannah: “Are all those cars going to our house?”

Hannah: “What’s Sara’s friend’s name?”

Hannah: “Where did that motorcycle go?”

Hannah: “What’s that smell?”

Hannah: “Are we going to Target?”
Hannah: “Is that Pappaw’s car?”

Hannah: “Where’s my rock?”

All those unanswered questions leave me with just one question…does she think my name is Google?

Story behind the photo: Almost daily, Hannah has a conversation on the ride in our car. Sometimes it is with me. Sometimes she will tell me I am not part of the conversation and that she is not talking to me even though we are the only two in the car. Other times, her questions come rapidly and often randomly. Sometimes she expects answers but sometimes she just fires off questions as if she has to get them out of her system and before I can provide an answer. Truthfully, I want to give her an answer most of the time but some days she just won't wait for the answer.

Lesson I learned: Children growing up today have so much information in the palm of their hand with a smart phone. They can communicate in a matter of seconds with people, they can look up information that previous generations longed for but could not access easily. They can validate anything they wish to believe because they can find it somewhere on the internet and if it’s found there, well, then, it must be true. The generations of young people coming along now will be such smart generations but will they have any true wisdom? Where will my daughter get answers to the questions she will ask during her lifetime? Will she ask me first or go to others who don’t know her or care for her like I do? As you can tell, I have my own list of random and rapid questions to ponder for myself when it comes to this situation. I only hope and pray that Hannah never loses the curiosity she shows at the age she is now. And, for all I do know and all I do not know, also I hope she never loses confidence in asking me for the answers to her questions, no matter how random or rapid those questions come.

Backseat driver entry number 12:

Despite allergy season hitting us hard, we march forward together. On this ride:

Hannah: “Daddy, I wanna issh-ooh.”

Me: “Aw, sweetie, I wanna kiss you, too. I can’t though right now, I’m driving.”

Hannah: “I wanna issh-ooh.”

Me: “Hannah, I’m driving. When we stop I’ll kiss you.”

Hannah (a bit more insistent): “No, daddy! I wanna issh-ooh!”

Me: “I know, sweetheart, I’ll kiss you when we stop.”

Hannah (more insistent): “Issh-ooh!”

Me (after a brief pause): “Oh. You want a tissue, don’t you?”

Story behind the photo: A few simple things I have learned about being a modern day dad is that when you go to restaurants with a young child, always ask for more napkins and when you are anywhere for any length of time with a young child always make sure you have a box of tissue nearby. Something is going to spill or something is going to drip. I have learned to carry a box of tissue in our car. I never thought I would do that but frankly, I often find Hannah asking me for a tissue when she needs one.

Lesson I learned: Sometimes I hear what I want to hear not what the person speaking needs me to hear. This is a pretty standard part of life with most anyone isn’t it? After all, misunderstandings take place. We need to be clear with our communication with one another. This is no different between father and daughter. I think we, as a society, often forget we, individually, have one mouth and two eyes and two ears. Eyes and ears observe and read communication from others. When communicating with anyone, I need to make sure I take advantage of those two gifts because what is spoken is so dependent on other things, the look on someone’s face, the tone of voice used, body language and other things. When I listen more, observe better and reach beyond the first layer of communication, I likely will be given the opportunity to use my mouth to say what I think I need to say and it will be accepted much more easily. Of course it all goes beyond that as well. Being an effective communicator not only includes active listening but also knowing what to say and when to say it, and sometimes that even means not saying anything at all. It is amazing to think how something that seems so simple as communication between two people, between a child and a parent, can grow so much more complicated so quickly.

Part four coming this Monday

 

Driving Miss Hannah: What A Dad Learned From A Three Year Old Backseat Driver, part two

Part one of this series can be found here 

During August and September 2014, I posted several photos of me and Hannah on Instagram and Facebook. These photos showed me and Hannah on our way to various places in our car. Each photo was accompanied by a small blurb explaining what was happening in each photo. The theme to most of these posts was how at three years old, Hannah was becoming a backseat driver. After a few of the posts I realized there were lessons I could learn as a dad from what was happening. We are revisiting these 16 posts, four at a time, with the original photo and blurb. As a bonus, I have also provided a bit more information about each specific picture which in several cases brings home some of the lessons learned more clearly. Please feel free to share any lessons I may have missed on Instagram, Facebook or in the comments section here. 

Disclaimer 1: None of the photos used here were taken while the car we are in was in motion. Each photo shown was taken while the car was parked. I love Hannah too much to risk her safety for the sake of a picture. If you or someone you know takes selfies or texts while driving, please reconsider just for the simple fact that life is too short. If that doesn’t convince you then think how there are already enough bad drivers on the road and being out there distracted just adds to that number. And if that doesn’t convince you then let me be blunt: I don’t want you distracted if you are driving in my direction. 

Disclaimer 2: I do not claim to be a model father. The lessons I present here as learned are from my perspective.

Backseat driver entry number 5:

When Hannah, the back seat driver, wakes up an hour earlier than usual, she falls asleep in the car. That means front seat driver Dad can get serious about his driving checklist:

Right on red after a complete stop: Check

Fast turns: Check and check

Pop wheelies: Check, check and check.

Miss the chatter from the back seat driver: A million checks

Story behind the photo: On our way to daycare one morning, Hannah, who had gotten up about an hour before her normal time, was her usual talkative self during most of the ride. As we weaved our way through a string of congested traffic, I noticed the talk from the backseat had slowed and stopped. Once I made it to a place where I could check, I glanced to the backseat and saw that Hannah had fallen asleep. She slept until we stopped to get out at daycare. This doesn’t happen often and although it felt weird it also was nice to have a break from the normal routine.

Lesson I learned: With most children, routine is generally a good thing. It provides structure which in turn provides a sense of comfort. This routine means as Hannah’s dad, I get into a routine as well. When an unexpected deviation from the normal occurs, I should roll with it. Yes, I missed that voice from the backseat chattering away but I knew this was a rare thing for the time. I need to understand that a break from the routine happens from time to time but the day-to-day will return soon enough, and even if the routine really is something that you may not always enjoy, the routine is something your child needs.

Backseat driver entry number 6:

A fairly early Saturday morning starts with a fairly lengthy to-do list. Six or seven stops on the way. Flatt & Scruggs on the speakers, windows rolled down, sunroof open, sunglasses like I like 'em but no backseat driver on this ride. What a long strange trip this one is.

Story behind the photo: This was a day when it was a rare ride for me when Hannah was not in the car at all. With a list of errands to run, I headed out to get some things done. Despite being in complete control of the schedule and the car and being able to get some needed things completed, the quietness from the backseat made me miss Hannah with every stop and start. Although I knew soon enough she would be back I couldn’t help but think how she makes our life more animated and full.

Lesson I learned: Sometimes as a dad, I need downtime. It may be to get things done that have to get done or it may be that I just need the time to get myself back on track physically or mentally. As her dad, Hannah doesn’t need me to be burning a candle at both ends and frazzled in the middle. Sometimes, it pays off in the long run if I am able to just step back and take a deep breath. On the flip side, I should also understand that any downtime I take should be small compared to the time I should be engaged in raising Hannah. Being her dad is my job and I count it a privilege to be involved with my wife, her mom, raising her but that doesn’t mean being her dad is always a breeze. Sometimes it is exhausting, draining, maddening. It is tough work and every now and then tough work needs a break. When the downtime ends, I am on duty again. Additional point for me to remember as Hannah's dad: Hannah's mom needs downtime from time-to-time as well.

 

Backseat driver entry number 7:

She's baaaack---and brought Mom along for this ride!

Story behind the photo: Despite both of us being involved in Hannah’s life, it is only a handful of times each week when her mom and I are in the same car with Hannah. On this occasion, Hannah asked her mom to ride in the backseat. Mom was nice enough to play along for the photo.

Lesson I learned: Some may subscribe to it taking a village to raise a child. Whatever. I didn’t see a village showing up at 2 AM to change dirty diapers or to soothe Hannah when she was cutting teeth. I was there and my wife was there. And, frankly, when she needs to learn how to drive or goes on her first date, I suspect it will be me and her mom there and not a village. So, no offense to the village but me and my wife will handle raising Hannah. Now I know there is more to the it takes a village idea that what I have mentioned here. But my point is this: ultimately, my wife and I accept the responsibility of raising our daughter and all that it entails-successes and failures. That said, I am blessed to share parenting responsibilities for Hannah with my wife, Jennifer. We strive to make sure communication is good between the two of us. We try to make sure we are both on the same page when it comes to the important things as it relates to raising Hannah. We try to understand that if we are at odds with one another that we are careful about how we treat each other especially in front of Hannah. She is watching and taking notes on how to treat others from watching us. She is also learning how she should be treated by how I treat her mom and how her mom treats me. Even though it may be years for that to be a factor in her life, it is still a very serious thought to consider in the here and now. Besides, imagine all the voices she would have to listen to if we left the responsibility of raising Hannah up to the village.

Backseat driver entry number 8:
No road warriors today...still a simple few minutes in the backyard swing brings out the backseat driver with this exchange:
Hannah: "Daddy?"
Me: "Yes, baby."
Hannah: "Push me with two hands."
Me: "Really?"

Story behind the photo: A rare day off from work and school and at home found the three year old wanting to go outside and swing. Once there, I stood behind her and pushed her. This is an easy task and one that can be done with one hand until Hannah demands that I push the swing with both hands and I oblige.

Lesson I learned: I wasn’t expecting to see the backseat driver attitude in a backyard swing but this one may have been the one revelation that struck home more than any other for me. Initially, what really caught my attention was how Hannah expected me to push the swing with both hands. This made me understand she has expectations of me. The turn at the swing may not be something I count as super important but to her it was, she expected me to be more serious about it than I was. I may not always know her expectations--especially if she cannot express them fully yet or maybe, when she grows older, when she may not be as willing to express them. Still, knowing that she has expectations is a start on meeting those expectations. Our friend, Becky McCormick also noted in a Facebook comment about this photo how when she was a child she wanted her Dad to push her in a swing with both hands because it provided her with a feeling of safety and security and his pushes enabled her to swing higher than she could on her own. My wife added to this by saying that safety and security were two of the things a daughter expects from her father. And don’t miss Becky’s other point here…a dad’s assistance and encouragement can help a child soar to heights they could not achieve on their own. Those are simple actions that carry a lot of power.

Part three can be found here

Driving Miss Hannah: What A Dad Learned From A Three Year Old Backseat Driver, part one

Recently on Instagram and Facebook, I have posted photos of me and Hannah on our way to various places in our car. With each photo, I posted a small blurb explaining what was happening in each photo. The gist of most of these posts was how at three years old, Hannah was becoming a backseat driver. Several people have told me they enjoyed these photos and blurbs (and likely there were a few who rolled their eyes at each new post). Thank you to all of you who provided positive comments and feedback about the pictures. After several of the posts appeared I began to really notice what was happening which was if I was really engaged my daughter was teaching me things that as a dad I need to know or the things going on were reinforcing things I already knew. That moment became a moment when I knew I would share those things on this blog. So, here is our format. We relive these 16 posts with the original photo and blurb. In an attempt to add a bit more value to all this, I have also provided a bit more info about each specific picture which in some cases brings home some of the points more clearly. More importantly, I close each picture and blurb out with I learned from that specific experience as a father. Please feel free to share any lessons I may have missed on Instagram, Facebook or in the comments section here.

Disclaimer 1: None of the photos used here were taken while the car we are in was in motion. Each photo shown was taken while the car was parked. I love Hannah too much to risk her safety for the sake of a picture. If you or someone you know takes selfies or texts while driving, please reconsider just for the simple fact that life is too short. If that doesn’t convince you then think how there are already enough bad drivers on the road and being out there distracted just adds to that number. And if that doesn’t convince you then let me be blunt: I don’t want you distracted if you are driving in my direction.

Disclaimer 2: I do not claim to be a model father. The lessons I present here as learned are from my perspective.

Backseat driver entry number 1:

Hannah is interested right now with green lights and red lights when we go somewhere. She doesn't yet quite understand that it's ok to turn right on red after a complete stop as she grilled me about this recently. Three years old and already a backseat driver.

Story behind the photo: A couple of miles from our house is a red light. At that red light every morning, we must turn right to get to daycare. Often, that light is red but to the left there is no oncoming traffic. When this is the case I follow the right on red rule after coming to a complete stop. This is a nuanced rule of the road though that Hannah does not yet understand. She just comprehends that red means stop and green means go. On this particular morning, Hannah noticed the right on red turn I made and began questioning me about it for several minutes. Needless to say, being grilled about a right on red by a three year old did not set too well with me.

Lesson I learned: Hannah will notice things I may not notice, She may notice something I won’t think twice about doing whether this something is “technically” right or wrong. If Hannah can verbalize this concern when it happens then I can become aware of it and can attempt to explain things. What though if she notices something and never says anything about it? What then becomes of my influence with her?

Backseat driver entry number 2:

Hannah: "Daddy, why did you make that turn so fast?"

Me: "Uhhhhh."

Story behind the photo: One afternoon as we were leaving daycare, we came upon a round-about. As I approached it, I knew I had to turn right and when I did, Hannah, who had been chattering away, stopped her talking and asked why I turned the curve so fast---even though in reality, we were barely moving.

Lesson I learned: Hannah is going to question my motivations. It may start small, such as asking about a sharp turn at a roundabout but will likely grow to more serious and personal issues over time. It is my responsibility to provide her with an answer and an answer that is as truthful as possible when asked. Beyond that, I need to think about why I do the things I do and why I do them the way I do them. I hope to live by this maxim…being asked about why I am doing something is only a bad thing if what I am doing isn’t a good thing.

Backseat driver entry number 3:

Apparently our recent discussion about "right on red after a complete stop" wasn't enough to convince her that it's ok as I had to hear all about that again from her today. Guess I better start using my blinkers before she figures that out......

Story behind the photo: In just a matter of days from first noticing a right on red turn, Hannah once again questioned a right on red turn. It was even the same red light as before! Needless to say, I wasn’t happy to hear that question again.

Lesson I learned: An easy takeaway here is that as a parent repetition is a great teacher so I should prepare to say the same things over and over. I don’t want that to be lost in this response because it is valid. However, the context here is Hannah questioning me again about something. As a dad, I likely will find that in my humanness it may take several tries for me to get something right that matters to my daughter. I need to be patient and determined. I need to understand her need to see me overcome this weakness will teach her great lessons when she has to overcome things she will struggle with in the future.

Backseat driver entry number 4:

Front seat driver regains control!

Me: "Hannah, you wanna see if the car can pop another wheelie?!?!"

Hannah: "Nooooo!"

Story behind the photo: After several days of taking photos in the car, Hannah was not pleased when I pulled out the camera for another photo. In order to try to avoid another photo, Hannah covers her eyes. The photo was just too good to not use. And for the record, no, our Honda CRV cannot pop wheelies. Who do you think I am, Evel Knievel?

Lesson I learned: With a reluctant photo subject I quickly realized taking several photos on this day wasn’t the best idea. My takeaway: Hannah will have her limits and I need to have plan B ready. Maybe she was tired this day. Maybe she wanted my attention to focus on something else other than taking a picture. Whatever the reason, Hannah was more interested in other things than taking photos and needed me to recognize this and lead her that way. The camera was put away and we moved on to something else. Sometimes my plans have to be shelved for later.

Part 2 of this series is available here.