A Four-Year-Old Questions Anger

In the ongoing quest to document some of the more challenging questions posed by a four-year-old we will look at a question recently posed by our precious four-year-old: “Are you mad?”

Many people will tell you I am fairly easy-going. Some probably think too easy-going. Some who know me well though would just shake their heads and tell you that I am not always the roll-with-the-punches type of guy. I told my wife recently how someone once told me that I had “no patience with idiots” in reference to me getting angry with someone that, at least according to someone, bordered on idiocy.

Either way, having a four-year-old will test how easy-going a body can or cannot be. The old phrase “getting on my last nerve” sometimes applies to life with a lively young child. Sometimes these moments can reach a level where patience appears to have gone way beyond testing.

For those of you who haven’t spent much time around a four-year-old lately let me tell you about the world where we live. Most days are good but most every day is also filled with the angst of a four year old. No matter what you ask of Hannah, there is a better than fifty percent chance you will receive a whiny reply. You won’t get one every time but you sometimes will, so it’s best to just be ready for it. It probably won’t matter much, but, hey, you never know. The whiny reply could be from something simple such as just asking her to come to the dining room table for supper. There is also the once or twice weekly meltdown over which pair of socks to wear to school. Year round, she wants to wear flip-flops everywhere. That is not good on a forty degree rain-logged day. There are the battles over when to potty and when not to potty. There is the constant struggle to get the child in bed for the night since this seems to Hannah to be a good time to go potty-and to pick up toys on the floor of her room-and to look for a long-forgotten toy necklace-and pretty much do anything but lay down to go to sleep. And lately, there has been this ongoing war to turn out the lights. Hannah seems to want to turn off every light she can. Her mom and I cannot see anything when she does this-especially when she also gets to the living room blinds, stands on the couch and closes the blinds.

Mind you the opposite side of this is from her mom and me. So, for every attempt to get Hannah to wear socks or shoes or to come to the supper table, we are trying to convince her this is in her best interests to do. This back and forth, this tug of war, is an undercurrent in our lives since the four-year-old is in the midst of testing and learning boundaries.

Still, somewhere in one of these scenarios, I will have had enough. I mean do I really need to repeat myself five times about not turning the lights off? I have said before, while Jennifer and I are tasked with raising Hannah into a responsible young lady, she isn’t always the one who learns lessons along the way, we are. So, when I am tested I am learning to not always react immediately with words since tone and loudness often just escalate the situation. Still, even when I am successful at keeping my mouth shut, it is hard not to wear a certain look on my face that will often lead to Hannah asking, “Are you mad?”

To clarify, since we are not British I assume when she asks about being mad that she is referring to anger and not being on the tilting side of the sanity see-saw. Either way, it is a basic, simple emotion all wrapped up in a complicated package.

So, to answer your question, Hannah. Am I mad? No, not always.

Sometimes I am frustrated. Sometimes I am frustrated that you did not listen to what mom and I said for you to do especially when we have asked you to do something time after time. But, sometimes, I am frustrated because traffic was bad on the way home and really frazzled my nerves.

Sometimes I am flabbergasted. Sometimes I am flabbergasted that you did something I didn’t want you to do or didn’t think you could do. But, sometimes, I am flabbergasted that I forgot to do something I needed to do.

Sometimes I just need a nap. A 30 minute quiet time with my head on a pillow on the couch sometimes is just all I need.

But, sometimes, I am mad. Sometimes, I am mad at you. Understand, I can’t stay mad very long at you but anger sometimes, for good or bad, for right or wrong, is the emotion I express. Sometimes I might be mad at someone else and you have to feel that effect. Sometimes I am mad at myself. Anger is just something that happens to all of us.

I don’t always avoid being angry but I do know something about being angry that all of us need to learn at some point. Being angry is one thing but staying angry is another thing.

That is a tough thing to do but it is necessary. Hanging on to anger leaves you bitter and vindictive and spiteful and alone. So, when you become angry, don’t embrace it, find a way to get past it. You will need people to do that for you from time to time and the best way for that to happen is if you are able to do that for others. It really is such a basic, simple emotion wrapped up in a very complicated package.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
~Mark Twain

Pocketful of Expectations

I ran into a friend recently and he shared some good news with me. He and his wife are having a baby. As we talked, he seemed to be subtly fishing for my take on what he should be anticipating in the time ahead. I wasn’t really quite sure how to disperse any knowledge I have gained about being a dad but upon later reflection I think my conversation with him went down three very different paths.

First, sleep now all you can. I imagine parents of all varieties-young, experienced and in-between-would provide this advice. The little one you hold is a miracle and perfect in so many ways. That child though probably won’t know or give a flying toot about your sleep schedule. And that child will want to eat in the middle of the night and without words will let you know so in a very loud manner. And that child may just lay awake in the middle of the night for no good reason than to seemingly just keep you awake despite your inability to keep your eyes from closing. This means this child will be awake and alert or awake and fighting sleep or awake and hungry at any possible time day or night. The thought that most of these times will be sometime between 1 AM and 5 AM almost every night of the week is just part of your imagination playing tricks on you. So, sleep now because soon, a full night of sleep is something you will only daydream about.

Secondly, watch your steps. I suppose in a broad sense I do mean, watch what you do and what you say because your child will learn to do and say what you do and say. But in a more practical manner, watch your steps, or more to the point, your stairs. You know, the stairs leading from the garage into your living area of your house or the steps from the first floor of your house into the second floor of your house. Watch these steps even if it’s only one or two steps. No, your newborn will not have to navigate these just yet. When that happens, that will be just another thing to add to your concerns but worry about that then. For now, watch your steps, the ones you take with your two feet. Soon, you will be carrying that newborn up those stairs in a car seat or in your arms. Even though that seems simple enough, you will also likely try to carry as much as you can up those stairs at one time just so you don’t have to make multiple trips. So, your trip from the car into your house can find you carrying the strapped-in child in their car seat along with the two blankets you used to cover up the newborn on the ride, and the three toys you brought along and left in that car seat while you drove home and the all-important pacifier and any other number of things you thought you might need until you got home. Since you will have all that in your hands, watch your steps. Learn to juggle if you somehow find time to do so. I cannot tell you the number of times we come home, even now four years in, and I have to carry the following up our stairs into our home: my lunch bag, my mug, homework from Hannah’s school, artwork from Hannah’s school, the mail, my coat, Hannah’s coat, Hannah’s shoes, Hannah’s socks, Hannah’s glasses, a pacifier, Hannah’s stuffed companion Mabry, Hannah’s blanket, a sippy cup half-filled with milk, now souring, from the morning ride to daycare and any number of other things including Hannah herself sometimes. And even then after finding some way to carry and hang on and not drop any one thing and being able to not fall down the stairs and then to somehow unlock the door into the house I discover I still have to return to the car anyway because I forgot to put on my glasses and left them somewhere in the car.

Lastly, buy a few pairs of pants which have lots of pockets. I think this came out of necessity from having to carry so many things out of the car and into the house. It should be noted though that even when we are out and about I find I have to hold things and carry things so an extra couple of pockets are a tremendous help. I realized not very long ago, I have several pants which have the regular pockets in them but also have additional pockets and I started wearing them more often. I find I use almost every pocket in these pants especially when I am with Hannah. Yes, all the normal things that fit into pockets go in a place-keys, wallet, phone, spare change. Those pockets fill quickly though. I found that as Hannah grew older and became more mobile, all sorts of things amazed and enamored her. She would often stop and pick these things up along the way and at some point wanted to keep them but no longer cared to hold them herself and fearing a meltdown of nuclear proportions I dared not discard this object at that very moment. So, failing to learn how to juggle all these things as I mentioned above, I settled for pants with lots of pockets. Now when we go somewhere I can shove that necklace in my pocket that Hannah insisted on wearing out the door with her outfit in the morning then decided she was through wearing or I can push that pair of socks that she peeled off on the car ride home into a side pocket. Any number of small things that might be just the thing I think Hannah will need at a dire moment or that she brought along for the trip that gets discarded or temporarily forgotten can likely be squeezed into some pocket in my pants these days. As a side benefit, there is also nothing like the expressions on the faces of your co-workers when you walk into a meeting at work, reach into one of your pockets and pull out a rock from the daycare parking lot.

So, what should an expectant father look forward to in the time ahead? Well, maybe I am not the one to provide such a grand list. Maybe though what I offered is just practical and quirky enough for my friend to one day recall what I said and laugh along then with me about how our becoming fathers is something plans and preparation could never quite cover. Maybe he will offer up an acerbic thanks for advising him to buy a dozen pair of pants with thirteen pockets in each pair. If his wife and child are nearby at that moment of thanks then they can chime in with their own sarcastic gratefulness complete with eye rolls and sighs. If so, I will count my experience and advice successful.

What I hope came through in our short conversation is another experience, one where words find no justice…that moment when I first held Hannah in my arms. Then I realized all those cares, concerns and expectations faded into the background. Those things didn’t go away, they just didn’t seem to matter as much as before. Those things didn't mean as much as the precious one I held in my arms who, at that very moment, found a way into my heart. And it's that feeling, a love that seems to grow day by day that I hang on to like some things I just might stick in my pocket for safekeeping these days. 

It's a good thing I have plenty of pockets.