For Better and For Worse

This year’s March was not yet a week old. The sun shined high in the sky on this specific Sunday fending off the winds trying to keep spring a step behind. Just another Sunday, just another day. Except it wasn’t.

On this particular day, Jennifer and I celebrated our wedding anniversary. We really did nothing special that day. Living busy lives just sometimes hijacks special moments until it is too late to really make special plans. That was the case this year.

Still, that didn’t mean we didn’t stop and reminisce at the candles that did not want to light or the hemp ring reference in the minister’s monologue or how small our niece and nephew were then or any other number of things that only happened to us only on that one day.

All these things made us smile, even laugh, a few times. These things quietly reassured us of what we have built through the years and how they sustain us from time to time.

That particular date is a time we share with my parents. That date is also their anniversary. At our wedding, my groom’s cake was their anniversary cake. So, this date Jennifer and I celebrate for our union as husband and wife is also one where we celebrate the same for my Dad and Mom.

This particular March day was likely not celebrated very much with them. They aren’t always the celebratory kind anymore. Age is advancing on them and nothing any of us can do seems to be able to stop that inevitability. In the early hours of the day before the anniversary date, Mom fell. Later that morning, she spent some time in the emergency room. Sore and bruised, she came home later that day with pain pills and memories when days weren’t so hard as they have now become. Dad, with her each step of the way, took his place at her side to see to her needs.

Later that day, I stepped onto the porch at our house into the dark of the evening and phoned there. Dad talked to me briefly. I could tell he really did not want to talk. I asked him how he was doing through all this. In his sometimes too matter-of-fact way, he said, “It just gets old sometimes.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. That wasn't a reply I expected. We ended the call. For a few minutes, I just sat there letting his words echo in my ears. I clutched the phone staring ahead in the darkness feeling helpless, knowing I could not be there to help at that moment or anytime soon. Mom has had health issues dating back twenty years and during this time I have never known Dad to ever really complain or get down about the situation even as it has meant he has had to carry more and more of the load they once shared. He has just always done what he had to do. This night he just sounded very tired.

Knowing Dad though, I know giving up is not an option. He may not have spent that day remembering the long ago day he married mom starting their life together. He may not have recalled what the minister said or things done or said by the best man or maid of honor. He may not have even recalled the exact words he spoke to Mom that day or the words she spoke back to him. Words that spoke of honoring, loving, cherishing. Words spoken in promise to each other, to God, to those nearby who stood as witnesses to make sure they lived out those words. He may not have remembered any of those specific words but I know without a doubt on this day, as he does each day, he understood what he agreed to when he said what he said then. He is a man who keeps a promise when he makes it.

After a few minutes of reflection, I went inside the house that evening. I heard Jennifer and Hannah in Hannah’s room as Jennifer was trying to get Hannah to quiet long enough to go to sleep, an event that can be a mighty struggle. I thought about the work week ahead and an upcoming business trip in a week. I thought about the battles I am having with a dripping outside water faucet. I thought about bills that have to be paid and things that have to be done. I quietly lamented how I let this date slip up on me and for not being more on the ball about remembering our anniversary. Then I thought it all does get old sometimes. This same routine, which can be so reassuring and stabilizing, sometimes can feel old and stuffy and stilted. Sometimes it can be tough and frustrating and aggravating.

I didn’t dwell long on any of that though. I may not have the years being married under my belt like my Dad does but I have enough experience to understand this is how things become sometimes. I know that if Mom and Dad have been together as long as they have, they must have done something right and maybe there are lessons there I can learn. I also understand the promise I made on a March Saturday years ago to Jennifer that means I will always be there for her, through thick and thin, through sickness and health and for better and for worse. I realize though it isn't because I made that promise on that day that really matters right now. I realize it matters more that I choose to make that promise again every day of our lives together.

A Purr-fect Balance

There’s a balance each family seeks to attain. Family is a complex ecosystem of emotions and reality that hopefully settle into a place that is comfortable for all. Sometimes though even the tiniest thing can tip the balance in a way not expected or wanted. Having a four-year-old means that balance often gets tilted at her whims or needs. Still, each person in the family can affect that balance. So can our pets.

The day we brought Hannah home for the very first time I carried her through every room in our house. Looking back, I am not sure why I did that other than to show her each room. Maybe I did this because having this tiny bundle of flesh, blood and bone all by ourselves was just a bit overwhelming and I was unsure of anything else to do at that moment. I like to think I was introducing her to the place where so many of her childhood memories will be made and to the place where she will always know love.

As I finished the tour, I introduced Hannah to our cat, Daisy. Daisy, then around nine or ten years old, reacted as most every cat would and as she would react around any newcomer, unimpressed. Daisy was never the most-friendly cat in the world. She was picky about who she let touch her and care for her, so because of this it was either me or Jennifer who saw to Daisy’s needs. This was also just Daisy’s personality, consistently persnickety. It was this mood that set the tone for her relationship with everyone including Hannah.

In blunt terms, Daisy tolerated Hannah. She never made any type of move to harm Hannah in any way except one time when Hannah, despite a warning from me, pulled at her tail. Daisy lashed back with a swipe of her paw. That swipe broke Hannah’s heart as she cried big wet tears at the stinging of a wound but also at the sting of the trust and uneasy truce that had just been broken. Most times though, Daisy was calm and would sit on the back of a chair or couch gracing all of us with her ‘you-must-love-me-because-I-am-better-than-you’ glare.

Hannah though adored Daisy even if Daisy did not want any of the attention given to her by Hannah. Hannah could not understand why Daisy was so standoffish. This did not stop Hannah from trying to pet Daisy or even speak glowingly of her from time to time.

Then during the spring of 2015, Daisy nearly stopped eating. A few trips to the vet made it apparent that Daisy was dying. The end came quickly for the charcoal-colored cat that got out of a box then crawled up my arm as I drove her to her new home years before. The evening Daisy passed away, Jennifer explained to Hannah how Daisy would no longer be with us. Hannah cried and cried. The tears again were big wet tears, just like the time Daisy broke her heart and the peace they shared with one scratch from her paw.

After Daisy passed, we would talk from time to time about adding a new pet to our household. We thought about a puppy dog. I had several dogs growing up and frankly, am a bit more partial to dogs than cats. While dogs can be goofy they can also be more loyal than some family members. You rarely have to worry that a dog will jump out at you from behind a closet door just to attack your feet. And dogs are always happy to see you. Hannah liked the idea of a puppy dog. Reality though is she runs for the hills whenever a dog barks anywhere near her. So, we settled for another cat and waited for the right time.

For Christmas 2015, we adopted a new cat. Hannah was able to look at all sorts of cats, large and small. She had her choice from cats of all sorts of colors and temperaments. She finally settled on one short haired kitten with white, brown and black mingled all over. At first, she named her Emmy. Then a few minutes later, she called her Kayla.

The first few days after Kayla was with us, Hannah would follow her around from room-to-room looking after her like a Mom looks after a child. I couldn't help but chuckle to see her carry Kayla through our house like I had done with her just a few years earlier. Hannah would even hold the kitten in her lap as if Kayla was a newborn. She somehow held her there even sometimes when we could tell Kayla wanted to be somewhere else. Even then though, Kayla never let on that it bothered her one bit to the point of hissing or attacking. Kayla just seemed happy to have someone who loved her so deeply.

Now, months after Kayla stepped into the ecosystem of our family, the balance has steadied. Kayla has grown enough so that it is a bit more difficult for Hannah to hold her or carry her in her arms like she once did. The novelty of a new kitten has worn off for Hannah while at the same time the novelty of a new home for Kayla has also worn off.

Early on Hannah wanted Kayla to sleep beside her in her bed. Now, Hannah doesn’t want to share the bed with Kayla at all, so sometimes at 2:30 at night, we hear Hannah screeching at Kayla to get off her bed. Of course, sometimes when Hannah is not around I can’t find the cat. I have learned where to find her. I will stand at the door to Hannah’s room and spy Kayla sprawled all over Hannah’s bed, usually napping, making me believe she misses the little girl when they are apart.

I also can’t help but notice how Kayla sometimes seems so protective of the little girl who cradled her in her arms and cooed at her just a few months before. Hannah will be in her bed asleep and will sigh or maybe her foot will kick the wall. Kayla will hear the noise then sit up seemingly to hone in on where the noise came from. She then will hop off her perch and run into Hannah’s room as if she were checking to make sure things are okay. I know Kayla is a cat and curious but still she seems to look after Hannah a bit more than she does anyone else.

The two seem destined to be best buddies while the two grow up together. They seem in-tune with one another. Kayla, not yet a year old, still runs and jumps and chases shadows. Hannah, nearly five-years-old enjoys those same things. Kayla, from time to time, will test her bravery and maybe her own logic by tightrope walking some thin line just so she can pounce on something. And in some ways, Hannah does the same thing. As these two grow older together I am sure the balance of our family ecosystem will be challenged. I just hope the two of them don’t become savvy enough to begin plotting against me and Jennifer. Should that ever happen, I will likely turn to Jennifer then and say, “This wouldn’t have happened with a dog.”

A Four-Year-Old Questions Direction

It is difficult sometimes to carry on a conversation with a four-year-old. I don’t mean to say we talk on parallel planes. I do try to talk about things in a way I know she can understand for her age. It becomes a strain sometimes because she tends to want to tilt the conversation in her direction and in the process she ends up owning every word, voice inflection and most all the body language involved. Still, sometimes, she takes a breath long enough so that her Mom or I can get an edgewise word in between her ongoing banter.

The most maddening conversations with Hannah for me take place in our car. This is because my attention is divided. I am trying to pay attention to the traffic, the road conditions and the ever-present, sometimes, dangerous weather. I really do want to engage with her but because of everything else I have to be aware of at that very moment, I just can’t participate the way I want. Because I am trying to get us somewhere safely, I cannot always tune in to Hannah’s ongoing dialogue enough to hold up my side of things.

One recent morning we took a detour from our usual route. I needed to drop a few items off in the big blue mailbox at the post office. This meant our routine was broken from the regular way we get to our destination. We pulled up to the mailbox so I could drop off some important pieces of mail then we drove off. Prior to our arrival at the post office, I noted to myself how Hannah hadn’t noticed the different way we were traveling. Within a minute of our leaving the post office parking lot, she verbalized this question, “Why are we going this way?”

So, as we continue to explore the questions a four-year-old asks, we can add this one to our list: “Why are we going this way?”

On the morning this question was posed, we had, of course, a reason to be traveling in a different way than we usually travel. Some things needed to go into the mail that day. This meant a five minute detour was necessary. I tried explaining this to Hannah the best I could. I’m not sure she fully understood the nuances of why we had to travel a different way this particular morning.

So, Hannah, maybe sometime in the future you will read this with that question in mind. Why are we going this way, or, maybe even more personal, why am I going this way? Of course, by then, such a question could have a much broader and deeper meaning. Whether you ask that question while you are driving in your car or just pondering where you are in life at a particular moment, the answers gained from both provide great lessons.

Sometimes it is just necessary to be going the way you are going. You will have a job so you find the easiest way to get there that you can. You have goals and dreams you want to attain so the path that leads to their fulfillment is along a route you choose. From time to time though you will find a short detour may be necessary. In your car, maybe a traffic accident has the road blocked causing you to find a way around the tie-up. The same thing happens to your dreams. Something gets in the way blocking the path. When that happens you don’t just walk away, you find an alternate route. It was the same thing on the morning some things needed to go in to the big blue mailbox at the post office. We took a different road to go by the post office but then we resumed going to where we needed to go. We got there just via a different route.

Sometimes though you may seem to be stuck in the same pattern unable to get things moving along the way you wish they would. Maybe, then, you should ask that question, “Why am I going this way?” Maybe you will discover a detour or a more scenic drive or more practical way to get where you are going. Maybe that change of scenery will provide you with a new perspective. Maybe it will recharge your batteries. Maybe it will allow you to appreciate the different ways you can take to get to the same place. You will find that sometimes, it is just good to break the same old routine, even for just one day.

Sometimes you may ask yourself “Why am I going this way?” when you discover you are wary of the road you are on. Don’t ever ignore this. Pay attention to when your heart tells you to be cautious. Trust your instincts. Yes, it is cliché to say ‘better to be safe than sorry’, but, old sayings became old sayings often because of the truth they reveal. Sometimes, the road you travel on can be full of potholes or low shoulders or damaged guard rails. Sometimes a road can lead you into a place where you won’t want or need to be. When you find that quiet voice in your head warning you of such, listen to it. Remember, you can always turn from the direction you are in and go back if you need to do so. There’s no disgrace in turning around, especially when your gut tells you to do so.

It’s okay to ask why you are going the way you are going from time to time. Know though there are maps that can serve you well when you need to refresh yourself on the route or when you even lose your way. Asking for directions is also acceptable sometimes. You have no idea how difficult that was for me, a male and your dad, to write. Still, think of your life as a journey. You are on the road to living out your dreams and hopes, searching for a destination you are certain will make you happy and fulfilled. Understand that sometimes that ride is long and weary. It can be easy to lose your focus. When that happens, remember to ask yourself “Why am I going this way?” from time to time. Doing so will help keep you headed in the right direction every time.