A Four-Year-Old Questions Anger

In the ongoing quest to document some of the more challenging questions posed by a four-year-old we will look at a question recently posed by our precious four-year-old: “Are you mad?”

Many people will tell you I am fairly easy-going. Some probably think too easy-going. Some who know me well though would just shake their heads and tell you that I am not always the roll-with-the-punches type of guy. I told my wife recently how someone once told me that I had “no patience with idiots” in reference to me getting angry with someone that, at least according to someone, bordered on idiocy.

Either way, having a four-year-old will test how easy-going a body can or cannot be. The old phrase “getting on my last nerve” sometimes applies to life with a lively young child. Sometimes these moments can reach a level where patience appears to have gone way beyond testing.

For those of you who haven’t spent much time around a four-year-old lately let me tell you about the world where we live. Most days are good but most every day is also filled with the angst of a four year old. No matter what you ask of Hannah, there is a better than fifty percent chance you will receive a whiny reply. You won’t get one every time but you sometimes will, so it’s best to just be ready for it. It probably won’t matter much, but, hey, you never know. The whiny reply could be from something simple such as just asking her to come to the dining room table for supper. There is also the once or twice weekly meltdown over which pair of socks to wear to school. Year round, she wants to wear flip-flops everywhere. That is not good on a forty degree rain-logged day. There are the battles over when to potty and when not to potty. There is the constant struggle to get the child in bed for the night since this seems to Hannah to be a good time to go potty-and to pick up toys on the floor of her room-and to look for a long-forgotten toy necklace-and pretty much do anything but lay down to go to sleep. And lately, there has been this ongoing war to turn out the lights. Hannah seems to want to turn off every light she can. Her mom and I cannot see anything when she does this-especially when she also gets to the living room blinds, stands on the couch and closes the blinds.

Mind you the opposite side of this is from her mom and me. So, for every attempt to get Hannah to wear socks or shoes or to come to the supper table, we are trying to convince her this is in her best interests to do. This back and forth, this tug of war, is an undercurrent in our lives since the four-year-old is in the midst of testing and learning boundaries.

Still, somewhere in one of these scenarios, I will have had enough. I mean do I really need to repeat myself five times about not turning the lights off? I have said before, while Jennifer and I are tasked with raising Hannah into a responsible young lady, she isn’t always the one who learns lessons along the way, we are. So, when I am tested I am learning to not always react immediately with words since tone and loudness often just escalate the situation. Still, even when I am successful at keeping my mouth shut, it is hard not to wear a certain look on my face that will often lead to Hannah asking, “Are you mad?”

To clarify, since we are not British I assume when she asks about being mad that she is referring to anger and not being on the tilting side of the sanity see-saw. Either way, it is a basic, simple emotion all wrapped up in a complicated package.

So, to answer your question, Hannah. Am I mad? No, not always.

Sometimes I am frustrated. Sometimes I am frustrated that you did not listen to what mom and I said for you to do especially when we have asked you to do something time after time. But, sometimes, I am frustrated because traffic was bad on the way home and really frazzled my nerves.

Sometimes I am flabbergasted. Sometimes I am flabbergasted that you did something I didn’t want you to do or didn’t think you could do. But, sometimes, I am flabbergasted that I forgot to do something I needed to do.

Sometimes I just need a nap. A 30 minute quiet time with my head on a pillow on the couch sometimes is just all I need.

But, sometimes, I am mad. Sometimes, I am mad at you. Understand, I can’t stay mad very long at you but anger sometimes, for good or bad, for right or wrong, is the emotion I express. Sometimes I might be mad at someone else and you have to feel that effect. Sometimes I am mad at myself. Anger is just something that happens to all of us.

I don’t always avoid being angry but I do know something about being angry that all of us need to learn at some point. Being angry is one thing but staying angry is another thing.

That is a tough thing to do but it is necessary. Hanging on to anger leaves you bitter and vindictive and spiteful and alone. So, when you become angry, don’t embrace it, find a way to get past it. You will need people to do that for you from time to time and the best way for that to happen is if you are able to do that for others. It really is such a basic, simple emotion wrapped up in a very complicated package.

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
~Mark Twain