Driving Miss Hannah: What A Dad Learned From A Three Year Old Backseat Driver, part two

Part one of this series can be found here 

During August and September 2014, I posted several photos of me and Hannah on Instagram and Facebook. These photos showed me and Hannah on our way to various places in our car. Each photo was accompanied by a small blurb explaining what was happening in each photo. The theme to most of these posts was how at three years old, Hannah was becoming a backseat driver. After a few of the posts I realized there were lessons I could learn as a dad from what was happening. We are revisiting these 16 posts, four at a time, with the original photo and blurb. As a bonus, I have also provided a bit more information about each specific picture which in several cases brings home some of the lessons learned more clearly. Please feel free to share any lessons I may have missed on Instagram, Facebook or in the comments section here. 

Disclaimer 1: None of the photos used here were taken while the car we are in was in motion. Each photo shown was taken while the car was parked. I love Hannah too much to risk her safety for the sake of a picture. If you or someone you know takes selfies or texts while driving, please reconsider just for the simple fact that life is too short. If that doesn’t convince you then think how there are already enough bad drivers on the road and being out there distracted just adds to that number. And if that doesn’t convince you then let me be blunt: I don’t want you distracted if you are driving in my direction. 

Disclaimer 2: I do not claim to be a model father. The lessons I present here as learned are from my perspective.

Backseat driver entry number 5:

When Hannah, the back seat driver, wakes up an hour earlier than usual, she falls asleep in the car. That means front seat driver Dad can get serious about his driving checklist:

Right on red after a complete stop: Check

Fast turns: Check and check

Pop wheelies: Check, check and check.

Miss the chatter from the back seat driver: A million checks

Story behind the photo: On our way to daycare one morning, Hannah, who had gotten up about an hour before her normal time, was her usual talkative self during most of the ride. As we weaved our way through a string of congested traffic, I noticed the talk from the backseat had slowed and stopped. Once I made it to a place where I could check, I glanced to the backseat and saw that Hannah had fallen asleep. She slept until we stopped to get out at daycare. This doesn’t happen often and although it felt weird it also was nice to have a break from the normal routine.

Lesson I learned: With most children, routine is generally a good thing. It provides structure which in turn provides a sense of comfort. This routine means as Hannah’s dad, I get into a routine as well. When an unexpected deviation from the normal occurs, I should roll with it. Yes, I missed that voice from the backseat chattering away but I knew this was a rare thing for the time. I need to understand that a break from the routine happens from time to time but the day-to-day will return soon enough, and even if the routine really is something that you may not always enjoy, the routine is something your child needs.

Backseat driver entry number 6:

A fairly early Saturday morning starts with a fairly lengthy to-do list. Six or seven stops on the way. Flatt & Scruggs on the speakers, windows rolled down, sunroof open, sunglasses like I like 'em but no backseat driver on this ride. What a long strange trip this one is.

Story behind the photo: This was a day when it was a rare ride for me when Hannah was not in the car at all. With a list of errands to run, I headed out to get some things done. Despite being in complete control of the schedule and the car and being able to get some needed things completed, the quietness from the backseat made me miss Hannah with every stop and start. Although I knew soon enough she would be back I couldn’t help but think how she makes our life more animated and full.

Lesson I learned: Sometimes as a dad, I need downtime. It may be to get things done that have to get done or it may be that I just need the time to get myself back on track physically or mentally. As her dad, Hannah doesn’t need me to be burning a candle at both ends and frazzled in the middle. Sometimes, it pays off in the long run if I am able to just step back and take a deep breath. On the flip side, I should also understand that any downtime I take should be small compared to the time I should be engaged in raising Hannah. Being her dad is my job and I count it a privilege to be involved with my wife, her mom, raising her but that doesn’t mean being her dad is always a breeze. Sometimes it is exhausting, draining, maddening. It is tough work and every now and then tough work needs a break. When the downtime ends, I am on duty again. Additional point for me to remember as Hannah's dad: Hannah's mom needs downtime from time-to-time as well.

 

Backseat driver entry number 7:

She's baaaack---and brought Mom along for this ride!

Story behind the photo: Despite both of us being involved in Hannah’s life, it is only a handful of times each week when her mom and I are in the same car with Hannah. On this occasion, Hannah asked her mom to ride in the backseat. Mom was nice enough to play along for the photo.

Lesson I learned: Some may subscribe to it taking a village to raise a child. Whatever. I didn’t see a village showing up at 2 AM to change dirty diapers or to soothe Hannah when she was cutting teeth. I was there and my wife was there. And, frankly, when she needs to learn how to drive or goes on her first date, I suspect it will be me and her mom there and not a village. So, no offense to the village but me and my wife will handle raising Hannah. Now I know there is more to the it takes a village idea that what I have mentioned here. But my point is this: ultimately, my wife and I accept the responsibility of raising our daughter and all that it entails-successes and failures. That said, I am blessed to share parenting responsibilities for Hannah with my wife, Jennifer. We strive to make sure communication is good between the two of us. We try to make sure we are both on the same page when it comes to the important things as it relates to raising Hannah. We try to understand that if we are at odds with one another that we are careful about how we treat each other especially in front of Hannah. She is watching and taking notes on how to treat others from watching us. She is also learning how she should be treated by how I treat her mom and how her mom treats me. Even though it may be years for that to be a factor in her life, it is still a very serious thought to consider in the here and now. Besides, imagine all the voices she would have to listen to if we left the responsibility of raising Hannah up to the village.

Backseat driver entry number 8:
No road warriors today...still a simple few minutes in the backyard swing brings out the backseat driver with this exchange:
Hannah: "Daddy?"
Me: "Yes, baby."
Hannah: "Push me with two hands."
Me: "Really?"

Story behind the photo: A rare day off from work and school and at home found the three year old wanting to go outside and swing. Once there, I stood behind her and pushed her. This is an easy task and one that can be done with one hand until Hannah demands that I push the swing with both hands and I oblige.

Lesson I learned: I wasn’t expecting to see the backseat driver attitude in a backyard swing but this one may have been the one revelation that struck home more than any other for me. Initially, what really caught my attention was how Hannah expected me to push the swing with both hands. This made me understand she has expectations of me. The turn at the swing may not be something I count as super important but to her it was, she expected me to be more serious about it than I was. I may not always know her expectations--especially if she cannot express them fully yet or maybe, when she grows older, when she may not be as willing to express them. Still, knowing that she has expectations is a start on meeting those expectations. Our friend, Becky McCormick also noted in a Facebook comment about this photo how when she was a child she wanted her Dad to push her in a swing with both hands because it provided her with a feeling of safety and security and his pushes enabled her to swing higher than she could on her own. My wife added to this by saying that safety and security were two of the things a daughter expects from her father. And don’t miss Becky’s other point here…a dad’s assistance and encouragement can help a child soar to heights they could not achieve on their own. Those are simple actions that carry a lot of power.

Part three can be found here

Driving Miss Hannah: What A Dad Learned From A Three Year Old Backseat Driver, part one

Recently on Instagram and Facebook, I have posted photos of me and Hannah on our way to various places in our car. With each photo, I posted a small blurb explaining what was happening in each photo. The gist of most of these posts was how at three years old, Hannah was becoming a backseat driver. Several people have told me they enjoyed these photos and blurbs (and likely there were a few who rolled their eyes at each new post). Thank you to all of you who provided positive comments and feedback about the pictures. After several of the posts appeared I began to really notice what was happening which was if I was really engaged my daughter was teaching me things that as a dad I need to know or the things going on were reinforcing things I already knew. That moment became a moment when I knew I would share those things on this blog. So, here is our format. We relive these 16 posts with the original photo and blurb. In an attempt to add a bit more value to all this, I have also provided a bit more info about each specific picture which in some cases brings home some of the points more clearly. More importantly, I close each picture and blurb out with I learned from that specific experience as a father. Please feel free to share any lessons I may have missed on Instagram, Facebook or in the comments section here.

Disclaimer 1: None of the photos used here were taken while the car we are in was in motion. Each photo shown was taken while the car was parked. I love Hannah too much to risk her safety for the sake of a picture. If you or someone you know takes selfies or texts while driving, please reconsider just for the simple fact that life is too short. If that doesn’t convince you then think how there are already enough bad drivers on the road and being out there distracted just adds to that number. And if that doesn’t convince you then let me be blunt: I don’t want you distracted if you are driving in my direction.

Disclaimer 2: I do not claim to be a model father. The lessons I present here as learned are from my perspective.

Backseat driver entry number 1:

Hannah is interested right now with green lights and red lights when we go somewhere. She doesn't yet quite understand that it's ok to turn right on red after a complete stop as she grilled me about this recently. Three years old and already a backseat driver.

Story behind the photo: A couple of miles from our house is a red light. At that red light every morning, we must turn right to get to daycare. Often, that light is red but to the left there is no oncoming traffic. When this is the case I follow the right on red rule after coming to a complete stop. This is a nuanced rule of the road though that Hannah does not yet understand. She just comprehends that red means stop and green means go. On this particular morning, Hannah noticed the right on red turn I made and began questioning me about it for several minutes. Needless to say, being grilled about a right on red by a three year old did not set too well with me.

Lesson I learned: Hannah will notice things I may not notice, She may notice something I won’t think twice about doing whether this something is “technically” right or wrong. If Hannah can verbalize this concern when it happens then I can become aware of it and can attempt to explain things. What though if she notices something and never says anything about it? What then becomes of my influence with her?

Backseat driver entry number 2:

Hannah: "Daddy, why did you make that turn so fast?"

Me: "Uhhhhh."

Story behind the photo: One afternoon as we were leaving daycare, we came upon a round-about. As I approached it, I knew I had to turn right and when I did, Hannah, who had been chattering away, stopped her talking and asked why I turned the curve so fast---even though in reality, we were barely moving.

Lesson I learned: Hannah is going to question my motivations. It may start small, such as asking about a sharp turn at a roundabout but will likely grow to more serious and personal issues over time. It is my responsibility to provide her with an answer and an answer that is as truthful as possible when asked. Beyond that, I need to think about why I do the things I do and why I do them the way I do them. I hope to live by this maxim…being asked about why I am doing something is only a bad thing if what I am doing isn’t a good thing.

Backseat driver entry number 3:

Apparently our recent discussion about "right on red after a complete stop" wasn't enough to convince her that it's ok as I had to hear all about that again from her today. Guess I better start using my blinkers before she figures that out......

Story behind the photo: In just a matter of days from first noticing a right on red turn, Hannah once again questioned a right on red turn. It was even the same red light as before! Needless to say, I wasn’t happy to hear that question again.

Lesson I learned: An easy takeaway here is that as a parent repetition is a great teacher so I should prepare to say the same things over and over. I don’t want that to be lost in this response because it is valid. However, the context here is Hannah questioning me again about something. As a dad, I likely will find that in my humanness it may take several tries for me to get something right that matters to my daughter. I need to be patient and determined. I need to understand her need to see me overcome this weakness will teach her great lessons when she has to overcome things she will struggle with in the future.

Backseat driver entry number 4:

Front seat driver regains control!

Me: "Hannah, you wanna see if the car can pop another wheelie?!?!"

Hannah: "Nooooo!"

Story behind the photo: After several days of taking photos in the car, Hannah was not pleased when I pulled out the camera for another photo. In order to try to avoid another photo, Hannah covers her eyes. The photo was just too good to not use. And for the record, no, our Honda CRV cannot pop wheelies. Who do you think I am, Evel Knievel?

Lesson I learned: With a reluctant photo subject I quickly realized taking several photos on this day wasn’t the best idea. My takeaway: Hannah will have her limits and I need to have plan B ready. Maybe she was tired this day. Maybe she wanted my attention to focus on something else other than taking a picture. Whatever the reason, Hannah was more interested in other things than taking photos and needed me to recognize this and lead her that way. The camera was put away and we moved on to something else. Sometimes my plans have to be shelved for later.

Part 2 of this series is available here.

Gifts

Her name means “gift from God”. And she is that. She is Hannah, our daughter. In the three years away from this blog, the most significant change in our lives has been the addition of her to our family. With the reboot of this blog and the addition of Hannah, you, dear reader, should know you will likely read a lot about this three year old. So, let me tell you a little bit about her and these past three years with her.

Her middle name is Rosemary. Rose is taken as part of my paternal grandmother’s name while Mary is a name passed down through my wife’s family including to my wife. Hannah and I share the same birth date, August 4. My dad, her Pappaw calls her his blue-eyed blonde. Sometimes when she runs she throws in a few steps of skipping which makes me grin and shake my head every time I see it. She wears little round pink glasses, and before you ask, yes, they are real, as we are attempting to correct some issues she has with her eye muscles. I get a kick watching her with her mom, aunt, cousin and grandmother as I see how her personality mirrors their strong female personalities in so many ways. Sometimes when we are somewhere she will carefully observe someone or a group of people and begin asking me questions about who they are or what they are doing. I try to answer her curiosity as best I can but sometimes her questions come so quickly or so loudly that I refer to her as Nosey Rosey and doing this usually makes her giggle. Then during times when she is grouchy she doesn’t like it when I call her Forrest Grump.

During these first three years, her mom and I have done all those things new parents do…change diapers, wake up every few hours during the night and feed her then try to get her back to sleep. We have endured projectile vomiting, earaches, the cutting of new teeth and the passing of gas in public. We have had no-holds barred wrestling matches with car seats and car seat straps. We have held a piece of clothing every way imaginable and then wondered aloud how it is supposed to go on her body. We have cheered at every progression of her becoming mobile…holding her head up, rolling over, crawling, pulling up, falling down, walking while holding on to something then finally letting go and walking and then running. We have chased lightning bugs in our backyard with her. We have cleaned and bandaged skinned knees. We have worked as high pressure salespeople to convince her leaving behind her pacifier is a good thing. We have stood at the entrance of her room at night just to watch her sleep observing her small shoulders slightly lift up with every breath.

Many of you have walked down this path before as a parent. Any observations I provide are likely nothing new to you despite how I try to dress them up in nice words and personalize them to our situation. So, please humor me as these moments are new to me and they often cause me to reflect.

Frankly, when I view the last three years with hindsight as my guide and answering only for myself and no one else, I am not sure I could have ever felt prepared enough for what the past three years have brought. Don’t get me wrong, these three years have been remarkable. I would not trade any of the moments for anything. Well, maybe I would trade the projectile vomit episode for something but even that now brings a smile across my face and gives me a story to tell for years to come. Despite making it this far, I sometimes feel the same way for the years ahead. I grapple with the weight of responsibility her Mom and I share to raise her in the ways we trust. I wonder and worry some because I understand my own faults and my own failings and find myself hoping and praying I can overcome them and not have them affect her. I can’t help but want to get it all right but also can’t help but wonder how to get it all right. I know others who have walked this path before have felt this way, but yet; this is still all new to me.

Then, I see her in her mother’s arms. I see their eyes dance at one another and then I can’t help but grin when Hannah reaches over and softly plants a kiss on her mom’s cheek. She turns her head and I watch the smile explode onto her face when her eyes meet my eyes. I see her climb down to the floor and take off running and with a single leap jump into my arms shouting the one word that melts my heart into a messy puddle of goo, “Daddy!” When this happens, I cannot help but be amazed at this little marvel of movement, this whirlwind of whimsy, this silly but shy, stubborn but soft-hearted wisp of a little girl who makes the circle of our family just a bit larger, who makes our lives burst tall and wide with vibrant colors, who makes our shadows stretch farther into the future and who makes us more complete than ever before in the here and now. Her arms wrap around my neck and her hug clamps down as if she will never let go. Her mom walks over to me and slides her arm across my back. I close my eyes and thank God for these gifts He provided and I feel a peace inside that makes me understand that when He put us together He would see that everything would be all right.