Best

Daylight crouched outside our house. Jennifer backed her car out of the garage into our driveway. I pressed a button so that my garage door could provide my vehicle an escape for the day ahead.

As the garage door rolled to a stop, I stood next to my car as a window to Jennifer’s car rolled down. Hannah’s face emerged along with her voice, “Bye, Daddy, I love you. You’re the best daddy ever. I’ll see you later.”

I waved back, “Bye, Hannah, I love you, too.” Jennifer pulled away headed to Hannah’s school then on to her work. I placed my lunch bag and oversized mug into my car ready to spend the next few minutes on a bumper-to-bumper ride to my job.

On my way, the radio played in the background. I’m not sure what was on, maybe some music, maybe a few talking heads, maybe the inane chitter-chatter of a formulaic morning show. I navigated the red lights and the stops-and-starts all the while reliving those last couple of minutes at home. Through it all, I could not help but think about the phrase Hannah used just before they pulled away…“best daddy ever”. That is a lot to live up to, and is something I know I will never be.

The truth is I can’t compete with the fathers of others her age. At my age, I could be their father. I realize as she grows older, her friends will scrutinize, maybe even compare their parents against each other’s parents, and that will include me. In that light, I am not athletic. I am not wealthy. My connections to important people are pretty much non-existent. I don’t process my thoughts like a doctor or engineer and I cannot communicate like a TV anchorman or chief executive officer of a major corporation. I don’t wear $100 tailored shirts or pointy brown Italian dress shoes. I don’t golf. I don’t eat organic food. I don’t always recycle.

While one day may come where Hannah compares me with the fathers of her friends, I only hope she sees through any stellar qualifications others may have in order to see that all I ever wanted to be was not the “best daddy ever” but the “best daddy Hannah needed.” Even with no competition, this is still a tall order, one where some days I knock it out of the park then find myself struggling to keep my head above water the next day. It is also one I know is made much easier because Hannah’s mom keeps both of us focused when we need it most. It's also one task I never plan to give up on getting better at doing.

Someday she may see such a distinction between the way she says she sees it now and the way I always wish it to be. That, though, may come after the mornings like the one I described earlier give way to the mornings when it will be tough to get any acknowledgement of my existence from her at all. It may come after a lifetime of ups-and-downs, good times and bad times, stuff worth remembering, stuff worth forgetting and a lot of life in between. Until that time comes, I’ll take what I can get along the way then pull it close to every beat of my heart now.