A (Then) Four-Year-Old Questions Memory

The little girl continues to ask questions. Some demand attention right away. Others require some thought. Some just seem to dangle in-between wistful and wishful.

Not long ago, Hannah started talking and began with these quizzical two words, “Remember when…?” She then went on to explain some scenario in the recent past we had shared as family.

All I could do was smile. I took a quick glance back at my many years over the depth and width of memories I had indexed. I then wondered exactly how deep and wide the memory bank of a then four-year-old could be. I could only be amused that at such a tender age Hannah was already reminiscing.

The more I think about it though I want to share with Hannah a few things about memory and remembering. So, Hannah, as you grow older, hold tight to those times with family and friends that make you smile and laugh. Recall those good times when you need a lift. Remember those times when you miss some of those people with whom you shared that time. Those memories will, at times, make you laugh or smile or maybe inspire you to keep moving forward. Hold on to those selected pieces of time that you remember as being so special and so unique because those times are truly special and unique.

That said, not all your memories will be good ones. People will hurt and disappoint you. Things will happen that are beyond your control that may leave you disillusioned or reeling. When these things happen you will want to block them out of your mind but will find you just won’t be able to do so. You will discover that these things are like having a fresh wound which hurts so bad that it just won’t allow you to concentrate on other things. Know that when you hurt that way that, as your dad, I wish I had some magical spell to make it better but from my own experience I know you just have to work through it. It will get better with time. The memory though will remain. Here is something else I know about when that type of memory comes up…let it back in, think about it but don’t live in that long ago moment. Learn from it instead. Own the bad memories in such a way to make things ahead better.

The good memories and the bad ones share one major thing. If you choose to do so, you can live in either. You can get so caught up in reliving the good old days that you miss out on making new and different memories. You can also live so entrenched in the bad things you recall that you never leave that dark place. There is a time and a place for both, so live life, make memories and take note of those memories from time to time.

I write these short essays in part so that some of our time together is left behind, memorialized in some way. There are a lot of things to know and do in life, some of it important for just a short time but it all takes up time and space. Life moves so quickly we hardly notice the speed until one day we look back and note the distance we have come. This is why I try to ride the brakes on our lives together. I want to remember the first step you took. I want to recall the funny things you say. I want to ponder the questions you ask from a pure and innocent heart. I want to remember as many of these things as I can. I want to share them with family and friends. I also want you to know how these things made very special memories for me and your Mom, and, hopefully, for you as well, maybe if not at the moment it happened but after you learn how treasured those memories are to others.

I say all this because a day will likely come, years removed from the day I put these very words to paper. You, I and your Mom will be together somewhere. The moment will be quiet. Maybe it will be on your wedding day. Maybe it will be on the eve of some major decision one or all us will have to make. Maybe it will even be when one of us is nearing our own mortality. It will be in some moment where, without any doubt, memories will be made. One of us will turn to the other two and say these two quizzical words, “Remember when…?” What follows may be some memory about some ordinary thing that happened long ago. It will be some moment stuck like glue to our very being as a family so much so that each one of us smiles and one of us replies with another question, “How could I ever forget?”